Failure, Attitude & Adjusting to Adversity - San Diego 100-mile 2013, Carnage 1 & 2 Aid Station Recap

Objects in photo are more overheated than they appear.

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."
-Mark Twain

I am a failure.

I will say that again, for emphasis, then ask you to think about the San Diego 100 in relationship to it.

I, Jimmy Freeman, am a failure.  I have failed as a coach, I've failed as pacer/crew, and I failed as an Aid Station Captain.  In some cases, I even failed to be a good friend (to many).

*pregnant pause*

Notice this: the moment I say (well, in this case write/type) the word failure, it brings up all sorts of thoughts and emotions for you.  It's a super-charged word (especially in our society).  You'll immediately feel a tendency to debate me ("No Jimmy, you are wrong, I have many reasons to prove you are indeed a success in these areas and here's why...") and some of you may agree with me wholeheartedly (which begs the question, why are you even reading this blog? Then again, maybe you heard through the grapevine that I was acknowledging my failure as a human and you wanted some emotional validation).

Consider that I don't sustain a normal relationship to the word/experience of failure.  Me and failure are way outside-the-box.  I love to fail.  Failing means I'm challenging myself to the point that failure is a possibility.  Many people avoid failure, and in turn fail to have epic life experiences because they keep themselves in a very tight box in life, relationships and athletic endeavors.  So, those who fail (to complete a goal) have my deepest respect.

Now for what I intended to say.  Know that I say the following while dealing with considerable concern (see: fear) for what may prove to be an unpopular opinion, as I'm taking aim at some general commentary I have heard for the last 2 days.

San Diego 100 2013 will be long remembered for many, many reasons.  First and foremost, it was one of the lowest finishing rates in years.  At a race that typically sees 65-70%+ finish, more than half DNF'd (178-starters, 96 DNF's 54%, 82 finishers 46%).  Some may suggest "heat caused the high number of DNF's" and to each of them I would say bluntly and directly, "negative, dear friend, the heat had little to do with it".  Think of it like this: if I showed up to a 100-mile race in the snow without a jacket, DNF'd from hypothermia, and cited the cold as the reason I didn't finish, while that would be an accurate statement, it would fail to reflect the full scope of what happened. A great many people failed yesterday, not because they weren't fit enough, not because they came from cold areas of the country or didn't heat train enough, and most certainly not because of the record heat for that race.

Life, and especially running 100-mile races, is all about adjusting to adversity. We can rarely anticipate what unique challenges life will throw our way, and how successful we are is relative not to the specific challenges we face, but how we face those challenges.

As the Aid Captain of the hottest section of the course in it's hottest year (on record) for this race, I saw people in all stages of disarray, dealing with those challenges in many different ways.  As I examine the splits, and as I recall the many conversations with more than 50-athletes either 31 or 36 miles into that race, I was surprised to learn more than half the people in the race were drinking less fluid than I'd drink on a 60-degree day in the mountains, replacing less electrolytes than I might in a cold 30-degree mountain race, and most certainly not getting enough calories for the body functions to perform at an optimal level.  Every mistake in a 100-miler, whether from lack of experience or pure strategic/tactical error (for example, having a great hydration/calorie/electrolyte strategy and failing to follow it), each of those mistakes is exacerbated by extreme distance and tough conditions.  I saw very few adjustments being made to pacing plans and fluid/electrolyte/calorie strategies until much of the damage had been done.  The heat was unusual, but not unprecedented for the area, it was just coincidental that it happened the exact day of the race.

Another major aspect of success (in life and racing) is attitude.  What was common among San Diego 100-mile finishers was an unflappable attitude. While some were lamenting the heat, most of the 80-ish people who crossed the finish line made mid-race adjustments, put their heads down and did the work.  I didn't hear a single complaint from a finisher about the heat.  "Everyone had to race in the same conditions" was about the closest I got to an acknowledgement of those conditions from a finisher (and I talked to dozens of finishers).

Not everyone who DNF'd "did something horribly wrong" and likewise not a single person who finished "did everything right", so don't misinterpret what I'm saying here.  100-mile mountain running is at best, a messy activity filled with small and large (and sometimes horrifically ugly) mistakes, falling apart and putting ourselves back together (as quick as possible).  Heat, altitude, mountains, distance are all separate challenges to be respected, equally, if one wants to be successful in this category of extreme endurance sports.  Also, another little disclaimer below about how you should interpret my commentary here (thanks to Robert Harris for an awesome reminder of one of my favorite quotes)...

"It is not the [aid captain] who counts; not the [coach] who points out how the strong [runner] stumbles, or where the [100 miler] could have [run it] better. The credit belongs to the [runner] who is actually in the [race], whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to [finish the race]; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends him[/her]self in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if [s]he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his[/her] place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

-Theodore Roosevelt (w/slight JDF 100-mile variation)

No matter how this weekend went for you, no matter what reasons had it be a tough day for you, ultimately, I'm impressed by anyone who attempts to do something so silly and profoundly challenging in the first place.  Mad props and serious respect to the 178 of you who started, no matter where you ended up by Sunday morning!

David Villa-yotes on b-day run (following Frank) completing his 1st hundo

Particularly proud of the many people I knew out there, especially veteran 100-milers Josh Spector, Amy Berken-Chavez, Tiffany Guerra and rookies Anton 'Tony' Smith & David Villalobos.

The most moving story of the day that I know of (and one of the most impressive I've ever seen/heard of) was the race of Tina Ure, who walked with a guy (to protect his identity I'll call him Brian) for the better part of 3-hours, then sat with him for a long while at our checkpoint.  Brian was having severe heat issues and was brought to the care of medical personnel where they treated him for over an hour.  Tina didn't leave his side until his condition greatly improved and we notified her of course closure in a compassionate, but 'last call for alcohol' sorta way.  She started doing the math on the splits to stay ahead of cutoff times and I could tell she was about to run herself straight into the ground.  After we talked about the cutoffs, she was pleased to hear she was a full hour off in her calculations.  She ran the rest of the race like she ignored my suggestion that she take it easy and not run like a bat-outta-hell (even though she was indeed running outta hell).  At Mile 36, she was 15-min post "closing time" and she finished the race in 29-hours, 1-minute with nearly 3-hours to spare.  Super, duper, uber mad props to you Tina.  I'd be lying if I said I won't be using your compassionate performance as inspiration in a future race when I'm struggling.

The Real Danger of Taking RISKS - a Life of Love & Dream Manifestation OR a Shackled Existence

Cliff diving involves great risk, but when else are you gonna FLY?

What would you take a risk for?  What wouldn't you take a risk for?  See one of my all-time favorite verses below...

RISKS
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk being called sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.
-Author Unknown (often attributed to Janet Rand or Leo Buscaglia)

Consider that in areas you dream/desire to get something done that you take no action, often rationalizing that "you're too busy" or "you'll get to it someday soon, but not now", you're hiding out.  You are not willing to risk for fear of failure, because then that dream can't exist anymore.  This is where we are dead wrong.  Whatever you're dreaming of, your version of it, is failing to exist NOW.  Even if you go after it and fall short, that's merely temporary failure.  The Japanese have a saying...

"Fall down 7 times, stand up 8."

In some cases, you'll get knocked down 7 times, and need to stand up that 8th time anyway, even if you know you're about to get knocked down an 8th time (see film clip below)...

Things in life rarely manifest in the way we initially imagine them.  In fact, that would be boring as hell if everything were exactly as we expected.  The way we imagine things up front is the childlike dreamer anyway, beautifully naive.  As we go after things, we evolve, the thought that turns to action, the action that develops the idea into a reality, it's a process that is quite magical.  Many of the things I have in my life right now, today (my wife, my career, my dog, my fitness) are all off-the-charts manifestations of dreams and desires I have had for a long time.  Each one is wildly beyond what I could have come up with in that initial conceptual dream phase.

Photo by Jayme Burtis

Was I TERRIFIED of each one: getting married (i.e. meeting a life partner), committing to keeping another being alive/happy (in the case of Spirit, our dog), going after the career I am passionate about (leaving behind a very lucrative 8-5 career in sales that I held down almost 7 years), and taking on doing things physically I never imagined possible (running 135 miles through Death Valley in the hottest week of the summer, for example)... YES!!!  Not only did each one take courage to pursue, I am still scared $#!^less about these 4 incredibly important things.  The fear is vulnerability.  The fear is being invested.  The fear is of course "but what if it all doesn't work out down the line"?

I discovered something a while back, maybe about 11-12 years ago: when I feel FEAR, then face that fear, it is a time in my life I feel most alive, completely engaged and present to my experience.  Fear is a reason many don't act.  Fear has become a reason I act.  So I apologize if I've broken any glass ceilings, and I apologize if I've destroyed your image that I've been 'living fearlessly' all these years.  In the words of a 5-year-old, "I'm a scardy-cat" and I'm proud to say what a man who inspired a man that inspires me said so elegantly:

"I have much courage." -Fred Akers

Photo by SLK

So, my friends, WHAT have you been avoiding?  What dreams are you selling out on?  What have you long desired but put off and rationalized you'd get to later?  Time to get to it.  Today.  Life is too precious, and too short, to not have what you're dreaming of realized in your amazing, one-of-a-kind life.

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatsoever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
-Martha Graham

Photo by Jayme Burtis

RISK on, my friends...


*Would love to see WHAT dreams/goals you must "face your fears" to live out fully!  Tell me what you're taking on this year (in the comments below).