Overcome Your Biggest Fears - Commitment vs Fear Exercise

"The hero is no braver than an ordinary man - but he is brave five minutes longer."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

More than a decade ago (1996-2000 time frame), I was consumed by my fear of things not turning out in my life.  I was hesitant, apprehensive, and worrisome.  I had been telling myself for 5 years that I would make the move from the San Francisco Bay Area to Los Angeles, and hoped I'd run a marathon someday (yes, my first marathon).  I was also in a holding pattern in my romantic relationships.  One day I woke up sick and tired of being stopped by my fear.  Not long after having these thoughts 9/11/01 happened providing me a defining moment of courage.  Sometime between then and now, many people started relating to me as fearless.  That perception couldn't be further from the truth, as I am as terrified as I always was.

Sometimes fear seems so much bigger than we are.

So, an ostrich walks into a bar...

While I am indeed someone who routinely runs extreme mountain and desert races, I took a 6 year turn as a stand up comic (not that I was ever really funny), married the girl of my dreams after 7 years of trying to convince her I was the guy of her dreams (I guess I'm still trying to convince her), and I willingly get up in front of large groups of strangers to give speeches (check out this awesome USA Today Money article on taming public speaking fears), the one thing that is a constant is that I am still very much afraid.

I fear failing at the things most important to me.  I fear people not liking me.  I fear those not liking me being vocal in their disapproval (the cliche unhappy cool kids at school talking behind your back in a mean spirited way).  I fear trying to inspire people (and having them walk away uninspired).  I fear being judged (harshly).  I fear running 100 miles (and not finishing or worse, walking away not able to run due to injury).  I fear the failure of my relationship.  I fear sadness, due to my past battles with depression.  I have a lot more to lose today than I did in the late 90's and early 2000's.  Being older (maybe wiser) I understand the consequences of my actions (and not following through on things).  I feel the emotional impact of letting people down a lot deeper than before.  My anxiousness and fears have only escalated.

The very serpent that helped me overcome my fear of snakes in 2006.

I turned a corner in my life in late 2000, where I realized that there may be no place where I feel more alive, than when confronting my greatest fears, and when facing my darkest demons. When facing one's fear, there arises a sense of power you can not experience while armchair quarterbacking your favorite reality TV show. When you are out in life doing (rather than thinking about doing) you are experiencing life real time, you are more present, more alive and turned on, plugged in and vital. This, my friends, is what life could be about.  It is what I've made my life about.

It took me years to learn the tough lessons of what ignoring my fear (especially of failure) creates in my life.  I still experience breakthroughs in this area from time to time.  Last Sunday was another example of this for me.  It's interesting how having your life flash before your eyes brings crystal clarity about what's important to you and how precious and fragile life really is.  It can all change in a second.  A single moment can bring us to our knees.

Together 12 years, married for 5 so far!

What fear is presently holding you back? Are you not asking for a promotion? Are you wanting to switch jobs or even careers?  Are you not signing up for your dream race (the one that terrifies you)? Are you not telling a special friend how you really feel about them? Are you not taking calculated risks towards what your soul desires, what you crave to feel fully alive???

**Imagine me shaking you by the shoulders right now, SHAKING YOU VIGOROUSLY**

WAKE UP, MY FRIEND!!! Your life is right now, today, happening this very moment. Why are you wasting it empowering your fears!?!?

I have a little game I remind myself of when I realize I've become complacent.  Sometimes I over think and rationalize my inaction.  It is a simple mental reframing of commitment vs fear.  We are either more committed to what we want to create in life, or we are hiding behind our fear.  It's an either or thing.  There comes an aha moment when you realize that overcoming our fear doesn't mean being fearless, as courage is really defined by acting in the face of our greatest fears.  The larger and deeper the fear runs, the more courageous the act.  We all have more courage than we can possibly imagine.

So, are you going to be committed to your dreams and desires, or will you empower your fears?  The choice seems simple, but only action solidifies that commitment.

"There are those of us who are always about to live. We are waiting until things change, until there is more time, until we are less tired, until we get a promotion, until we settle down / until, until, until. It always seems as if there is some major event that must occur in our lives before we begin living."
-George Sheehan


I invite you to do something today that scares you.  Yes, even that very thing you've been avoiding.  The thing you are hiding out from.  Life is shorter than we relate to it being.  Fear puts the soul to sleep, except when we are facing it.  If you're reading this, I love you. I believe in you.  It will feel really good to no longer be captive to that fear.  Do it.  Come on, you can, I promise you can.

Now go take on some dragons.

Each accomplishment  is merely the starting point of another dream.

Meeting My Maker on a Sunday Night - My Aron Ralston Near Miss

"The word adventure has gotten overused. For me, when everything goes wrong, that’s when adventure starts."

-Yvon Chouinard

I am so glad you are reading this blog entry.  Let me rephrase that, I am so glad I am sitting at my computer on a Monday and am not presently buried beneath dense foliage in a ravine with a broken leg, or worse.  It was a rough night, last night...

NOT A THROUGH TRAIL - that sign is for other people... not for me!

I've been running my whole life.  I have come to develop an identity problem which is to say, I can't imagine myself not running.  I can't even imagine identifying as something else.  My wife Kate is struggling with that identity challenge right now (she broke her right leg and had surgery in November), and I'm doing all I can to support her emotionally and physically through it (stopping just short of running way less myself so she's not confronted by that reality).  It is one of the greatest challenges we've yet faced as a couple.  Sometimes we're both worn down emotionally, and we get into a fight over absolutely nothing (bear with me, this sets something else up).  We have recently fought over navigation, missing part of a hockey game, leaving the house on time, and an online GoPro order.  Seriously folks, these fights might have had a deep undercurrent of something else, but they were fights about absolutely nothing of substance.  Nothing essential, nor important.  The last two fights we had were back-to-back nights (Friday & Saturday) and combine with that my not running nor working out since Thursday, come Sunday I was in a bad, overly emotional, and mentally dark place.

So I went out for a run Sunday mid afternoon.  I didn't know how far or for how long I'd be gone, but I knew I needed something long to clear my head.

Backbone Trail selfie, almost one of my last photos...

***FLASHBACK***

Last bit of sunlight fades away... this is getting interesting.

It's around 4:45pm, Sunday, January 12, 2014.  The sun has long since disappeared over Temescal Ridge & Cathedral Rock, and I'm buried in a canyon in the Santa Monica Mountains, part of the north splintering of Rustic Canyon.  I have taken a horribly wrong turn.  Wandering up a creek bed I thought was part of the old (and heavily overgrown) Bay Tree Trail, I got stuck where landslides have boxed the creek in, so I start to climb out & around it.  I find myself on the side of a crumbling rocky hillside utilizing plants & branches to not fall down the steep slope.  At one point, every brittle, dry piece of chaparral is breaking off in my hands, no matter how thick or deeply rooted it seemed.  The rock starts to crumble under my trail shoes and I notice that there's nothing to catch my fall before about a 4-story (60 foot?) drop into the rocky creek bed below.  Looking off into the distance, I'm probably 3/4's of a mile from any real trail.  I don't have my cell phone.  I don't have a light.  Nobody knows where I am.  "Genius, Jimmy! Absolute genius,"  I say to myself.  My last bit of ambient daylight is fading like a K-mart beach towel.  I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I must start carefully calculating every movement, and at the same time, if I stay in the same spot too long, the hill will crumble beneath my 180+ lbs. and give way to big air.  I force myself to keep moving and mentally brace myself for the worst.

Trying not to achieve a similar fate, unsettling at best.

Thankfully, I'm not panicking, but I am acutely aware that if I fall, I'm very likely going to be too injured to crawl out, in a place inhabited by at least one mountain lion (I've discovered lion scat and deer skat on the game trail I'm now crawling up to get to the ridge).  After crawling sideways and upwards for at least 45 minutes, breaking branches to climb towards the ridge line, I end up in a clearing (relief).  With two large sets of bones (relief just left the building).

"When I've lost my way or when I am confused about a path to take, I remember that most answers I need I already possess – deep inside. I am naturally creative, resourceful and whole. If I consult my invisible compass, I’ll know what to do."

-Steve Goodier

Estimated route = GREEN / Incidents = YELLOW

The sun is now gone but atop this ridge I'm getting a little light from a relatively full moon (full moon is 3 days later).  I start to realize crawling through this game trail at dusk (in darkness) probably isn't a great strategy anymore.  I can see the lights of the San Fernando Valley about 1.5 to 2 miles to the north, but would have to drop into another canyon/ravine to get there.  I resolve to keep climbing and to stay standing as much as I can to avoid looking like the prey of a cougar.  I climb through multiple brier patches and stop occasionally to pick a half dozen to dozen thorns out of my hands.  I'm still not panicking, but I'm wondering if I should hunker down and wait for daylight.  I have half a bottle of water left, a 200 calorie granola bar, and my legs are starting to cramp from the fatigue of forcefully climbing through (and over) dense vegetation.  After what seems like 2 hours, but is probably in reality 75-90 minutes of dusk, I reach the ridge line above Fire Road 30 (a single track trail we jokingly call Flyer Road 30), one of my favorite lesser known paths in the Santa Monica Mountains.  I am overcome with emotion.  Not really joy, but rather, a profound relief that I'm not hurt, and I'm not spending the night facing the fears I was just crawling out of a canyon with.  I dump the rocks and dirt out of both shoes and start to piece together how I'm going to get home.  At the very least, I feel safe again.
***END FLASHBACK***

First photo after crawling out of the unknown.

Looking homeless, dirty, cut & bruised.

I have always had a rule to not drink when I'm upset, angry or depressed.  I have a new rule now to not go trail exploring when in that same space.  When I went running yesterday, I didn't know where I was going to go.  I didn't know for how long, nor how far I was going to run.  As I ran up Sullivan Ridge, I made up my mind to do a loop that dropped into Murphy's Ranch, climbed J-Drop then the section of the Backbone Trail known as Rogers Road, take Temescal Ridge to the Hub Junction, drop down Fire Road 30 to Bent Arrow connecting to Dirt Mulholland, then run that to Sullivan Ridge, and drop back down to my car.  I estimate this loop to be something between 15-18 miles.  When I reached the upper part of Rogers Road, there's a drop down trail back into Rustic Canyon called Bay Tree.  I've always wanted to explore it, and know 2-3 people who have.  I thought, "I know there will be some bushwhacking, I know there's not much daylight left, but what the hell, it's only a couple of miles!"  I had a secondary intuitive sense that said, "this is gonna be an adventure" and I thought, "hell yeah, I'm ready for an adventure!"

My skin is gashed and bruised all over, this is one small sample.

This was the part where I greatly erred.  I ignored my intuition which said, "this is shaping up to be a bad idea.  Ooh, sounds like a fun bad idea!"

RULES I ALREADY KNEW (AND PREACH)

*Whenever possible, don't run trails alone

*When running alone, let someone know your planned route

*Have a planned route

*Carry a cell phone, in case you get stuck and need to alert someone

*Carry a light if there's any possibility of getting lost or running after dark

*Carry more than adequate fluid & calories in case you get lost

*If you get to an impassable patch of trail/creek bed, turn around and retrace your steps, don't be a hero

*Let someone know your planned route (restated for it's importance)

*Help others learn from your most boneheaded mistakes (check)

A NEW RULE

*Just like drinking: when you are upset, don't go seeking "adventure" on the trails, just go run a super intense speed workout on a track or treadmill or something like that

GENERAL LIFE SIDE NOTE

Consider for a moment the last thing you said to your loved ones.  Would you be okay with that message if it was the last you ever delivered to them?  One of the things that haunted me, maybe what I was afraid of the most out there, was if the last things Kate & I said to each other (prior to my misadventure) were etched into eternity as the final exchange we had.  I got home and we immediately put it all behind us.  You have an opportunity to say things to the people you love, from love, each and every time you're with them.  I encourage you to utilize every opportunity to do that.  For your own sake.

Thanks for reading this.  I appreciate you (even if we don't know each other), no matter where you stand.  One more parting thought:

"If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning."

Communication With Alien-Robots - Fuel for All Healthy Relationships (Humor & Frankness)

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on."

-Steve Jobs

Here's a little ditty I wrote up a while back about the importance of communication (including humor and frankness) in every relationship (not just romantic relationships, but your important  friendships, workout partners and professional relationships too).

For the many of you who have suggested to Kate & I that you personally believe we have "a perfect relationship" consider this your wake-up call. Kate & I (in our 11+ years together) have had fights about everything: from simple driving directions to who's doing the dishes and even occasionally a dozy over mayonnaise (well, Vegenaise actually... Valentine's Day 2002, seriously). What we always come back to is full communication and personal responsibility. While I won't be wowing any of you with some amazing demonstration of my own personal responsibility in this post (Kate is the one being incredibly generous in the interaction below, I'm just the @$$hole trying to be RIGHT), I thought you might get some joy, amusement & laughter out of our "dishes fight" from over 3-years ago, and how we had our moment of anger & frustration, but we brought back the authentic communication and playful levity to the situation. The net result is that I ended up doing the dishes as a performance art. Kate even videotaped me doing the dishes so she could watch it over and over again (and her "you NEVER do the dishes" argument is out the window).

As always, I have expressed, written consent from Kate that this email chain be published, so please forgive the colorful language and know we're BOTH behind you reading this. For our own amusement & sanity.

BEFORE you read this, understand that we had some other similar nothing fight a couple of weeks prior, and Kate wrote me the opening email apologizing for being mean and nasty. So the email chain starts there (with me being an a-hole trying to be righteous, yuck)...

Sometimes, the aftermath of a fight is downright delicious.

********BEGIN EMAIL CHAIN********

From: Kate

Sent: July 28

To: Jimmy

Subject: I'm a jerk

Jimmy,

By acting and thinking from fear, worry, blame, upset and focusing on what's missing/wrong. That is exactly what I create. I do this to put the responsibility on you, to sabotage our connection and to prove that I am 'alone'. It's hogwash. Bullshit. Lame.

Since last night when I treated you poorly, I could not sleep, I had bad dreams, I missed my run, my ear is worse, I had no time for coffee. Basically everything falls apart when I don't take care of you and our relationship.

You have my word that I will treat you with respect, love, care, nurture and come from a creative and inspiring space.

I'm sorry for being an ass.

I hope you have a great day, please know that I love you, I'm here for you.

K8

**************************

From: Jimmy

Sent: August 13

To: Kate

Subject: FW: I'm a jerk

Kate,

Please read this. It's from July 28th. Psssst, that's two weeks ago.

Jimmy

*************************

From: Kate

Sent: August 13

To: Jimmy

Seriously, what the hell is my fucking problem?

K8

**************************

From: Jimmy

Sent: August 13

To: Kate

You aren't willing to sit in the impact (of your words and actions). You aren't willing to be uncomfortable and communicate everything and be truly vulnerable. You might actually get betrayed and hurt and abused and used that way! 

I'm a bad, mean, angry SCARY PERSON!!!! Maybe I'm the BOOGEY MAN!!!! BOOOOO!!!!

Jimmy

*************************

From: Kate

Sent: August 13

To: Jimmy

I fucking love you.

K8

***************************

From: Jimmy

Sent: August 13

To: Kate

"Seriously, what the hell is my fucking problem?"

I have another idea. Maybe your fucking problem is you are truly UNWILLING to be human? Maybe you really ARE an alien robot?

It's okay, Kate. You can BE HONEST. If you really ARE an alien robot, I'm willing to accept that now. I'll even go back with you to your planet for experimentation. I give up. I really DO love you no matter what. I'm hopeless.

Jimmy

******************************

From: Kate

Sent: August 13

To: Jimmy

I kind of feel bad for you, loving a robot is tough. I guess that explains why you like to run ultras. You thrive on pain, endurance, torture and insanity.

I'll book the flights for us to Zyborg tomorrow. One way is okay right?

K8

********************************

From: Jimmy

Sent: August 13

To: Kate

I surrender, Zyborgian robot alien. You are picking an odd specimen, but whatever, better me than someone else I guess... high pain tolerance.

One way is fine. But clearly your planet has a far more advanced internet. Can I still communicate with my family and maintain a BLOG from afar? Or do you replace me with a Jimmy-robot so people won't know I'm gone?

Did you see my post on my plans for this evening? And your plans for the moment you get home?

Jimmy

*************************************

From: Kate

Sent: August 13

To: Jimmy

You are the perfect specimen. You may maintain your blog and relationships, but there will be a Jimmybot put in place physically.

I did happen to just read your post.

I'm really sorry for losing my cool man. I look forward to seeing you tonight.

K8

**************************************

From: Jimmy

Sent: August 13

To: Kate

Can I post this ENTIRE email as a BLOG?

Jimmy

**************************************

From: Kate

Sent: August 13

To: Jimmy

Sure, why the hell not. We won't be on this planet for much longer anyway.

Speciman.

K8

********END OF EMAIL CHAIN********

The MORAL of the story: Even if you are an alien robot, or are about to be kidnapped by an alien robot, COMPLETE COMMUNICATION and willingness to make fun of ourselves is the key to a healthy relationship.

AND yes, I'll FINALLY admit it:

"I should have just done the damn dishes."*

*it would have taken a hell of a lot less energy and time than this email chain, blog post, and fighting against alien robots who will win in the end anyway.

I love my wife. Even if she is an alien robot...

*****************************************************

POST UPDATE (1-day later)

*****************************************************

Sexy albino me. You can't UN-SEE this.

For those of you who missed the punch-line on this 3-years ago, I ended up doing the dishes as "performance art". My friend Seth told me that there was some survey that reported 3-out-of-4 women were asked if they'd rather watch their man do dishes or dance naked, and 75% of them answered dishes. We have the birth of 'chore-play'.

I did the dishes while Kate watched me, and I only wore some 70's style NIKE dolphin shorts (see: photo to the right, and you're welcome). I also had to sing to her ("Bare Necessities" from the Jungle Book). She filmed part(s) of it. Then we made up, officially... but, alas, I now communicate with you from ZYBORG. I'm not sure if it's really nice here or if I'm in one of those virtual reality machine-thingies...

*****************************************************

POST UPDATE (3.5-years later)

*****************************************************

Zyborg is amazing.  I hope the Jimmybot they left behind is holding things together well.  I miss seeing ALL of you...

View from a mountain peak outside of Agnapot, on the planet Zyborg...

PS - a simple tip my amazing sister Sarah gave me for relationship harmony:

IF your partner makes a request and it takes less than 10-15 minutes to fulfill, you should always say yes. Just give up the thoughts you have about who did that chore last time, how tired you are, or how mad you might be over something else. This simple act of generosity will take far less time and energy than saying NO or resisting doing something that could alter the day/evening, where yes could make all the difference.

PPS - if YOU (reader) are a single dude and you made it ALL THE WAY through this long-winded post, check out a well written piece by David DeAngelo about the Top 10: Ways To Be The Man Women Want (seriously, it's a great piece) from AskMen.com

What If Our End of Days Was Tomorrow - Musings on the Apocalypse

We live in a sick, twisted world.  This world is cold and unforgiving.  No, something didn't just "happen to me" that's suddenly made me turn dark and negative.  Turn on the news anytime you like and you'll get the latest and greatest DOOM and GLOOM.  It's the reason I do not watch the news anymore (to be honest, ESPN SportsCenter is now depressing enough)...

*stands up on soap box, 1/2 of crowd walks away while 1/4 of crowd rolls eyes*

Most American news stations are there to make money (not necessarily to report the most important breaking news, as we may have been force fed to believe).  News stations will show us and report on the most horrific things they can find because fear is compelling and draws higher viewer ratings.  The more blood, guts and fear they peddle, the more 90% of the American public watch.  The higher the viewer ratings, the higher the dollars paid for advertising spots and the more profitable a news outfit is.

Think of it this way: when we pass a really, really bad accident on the freeway (that is on the opposite side of the divider), often times, traffic is worse for the lookie-loos than it is for the reduced to 2-lanes accident side.  Most humans simply can't help themselves.  In America, generally people get more up-in-arms over the sight of a woman's breast (on TV or movies) than they do seeing graphic violence in a TV show or movie.  Graphic violence is commonplace (and accepted) because we see it on the news nearly every day.

*steps off of soap box after having lost 1/2 the audience again*

ESPN SportsCenter news clip:
http://es.pn/12pmRGo

On a run a couple nights ago (pretty much how every one of my BLOGS starts and is conceived) I was back and forth with one of my best buddies, Josh,

JDF - "So, are you ready for the end of the world?"
JS - "Maybe. But might just be the end of things the way we knew it. New beginning, maybe?"
JDF - "The way things have gone in the world, recently, wouldn't surprise me if the powers that be hit the reset button saying, 'well, that experiment failed.'"
JS - "Yeah, no kidding. But I don't think it's going to end."
JDF - "Neither do I... but I can't help but wonder if one of these days, somebody is finally going to be right about it. If it really were the end, we've got a lot to get done in the next few days."

So, here's the thing (wait for it...)...

What IF the world were going to end in a day or two?

If you knew you had 1 FULL DAY left, what would you do with it?

Start here: nearly everyone regrets something (according to every interview of people on their death bed, they regret what they did NOT do most, very few talk of regrets of having done something specifically).  Most of my regrets are from interpersonal interaction, and again, generally I regret things I didn't SAY and didn't DO, not the mistakes I made (which I learned from, ultimately).  If you only had a day or two to live, would you call a family member OR close friend whom you've had a "falling out" with and bury the hatchet?  Would you make sure those you love most know how much they are loved by expressing that to them?  Would you do something new you've always wanted to do but never made the time for?  Would you be more courageous if our time was about to run out?

What would YOU do?

My invitation to you (if you had the mental stamina to make it this far in my blabbering foolishness)... call somebody, RIGHT NOW.  It can be someone you love to make sure they know how much.  Sometimes that's the easy call.  So make that call first.  Then when you hang up, call the person you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO CALL.  Bury the hatchet, fall on the sword, take your lumps, be the bigger person (insert whatever cliche will inspire you)... because the world MIGHT just end, and why not have the energy surrounding you be love and renewal?

Even if you don't believe the world will end, the person(s) you failed to call might be gone sooner than you think, suddenly, unexpectedly.  I lost a friend I loved dearly in October, the day before my birthday (she was my age), and I think about that almost every day.  Our time here is short, it's going to be done-and-gone before we know it.  Get right with the people that are (or were) the most important to you... and do it NOW. *I'm not writing ANY MORE until you do*

Let me know (in the comments) what you did!  Who did you call???